


shenanigans

by thepoeticnerd



Category: Original Work
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-27
Updated: 2019-07-27
Packaged: 2020-07-22 20:34:11
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,644
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19996918
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thepoeticnerd/pseuds/thepoeticnerd





	shenanigans

anomalisticApogee [AA] opened memo on board TOP SECRET FORUm FOR PLANNING AND DOCUmENTATION OF THE ImmINENT mARTUK REVOLT.

AA: (why am i even helping you)  
anarchisticCatechism [AC] responded to memo.  
AC: i ¿ont even know why im hel?ing i really ¿ont know why you are babe  
aureateTumult [AT] responded to memo.  
AT: cause you love Me 3:{  
AC: allege¿ly  
AA: (love really only gets you so far)  
AT: *3:} that Was Meant to be a sMiley face. We don't get sad We are too poWerful  
AA: (thats just a lie)  
AC: just yester¿ay you were crying at slitherbeasts  
AT: THEY DON'T HAVE ANY GODDAmN ARmS  
AA: (here we go again)  
AT: but With your help, We can change that  
AT: one donation to the cause = one arMed slitherbaby  
AA: (no.. only millions of years of evolution can change that)  
AC: ashoka we cant ?romise things that we literally cant ¿o  
AA: (theyre not meant to have arms that why they fell off)  
AA: (theyre happier that way)  
AT: Our reign is eternal soooooooo!!!!!!!  
AT: Millions of sWeeps . . . . . pathetic. coMpared to My legacy  
AA: (okay)  
AC: theyre calle¿ slitherbeasts for a REASON  
AT: they Will be called Walkbeasts  
AA: (thats us)  
AT: What? We are trolls dipshit  
AT: on soMe soldier purrbeasts shit  
AA: (i wish i was a slitherbeast i want to just eat smaller beings and sit on hot rocks)  
AC: thats ?ractially all you ¿o anyway babe  
AA: (cold rocks)  
AA: (cold wet rocks)  
AT: DONATE YOUR ARmS TO THE CAUSE  
AC: also i thought the sol¿ier ?urrbeasts calle¿ trolls hornbeasts  
AT: We Would not actually knoW. We have never read a book  
AA: (i cant survive without them in my current state so id like to keep them)  
AT: post-upheaval We Will eMploy our neWly acquired Magnificent iMperial Magics to elongate your spine thus Morphing you into a bona fide slitherbaby  
AA: (yeah okay)  
AA: (thanks :) )  
AC: ?lease ¿ont ¿o that to my mates?rit  
AT: LET HIm BE wHO HE wANTS TO BE  
AA: (kiss me and ill turn into a real troll like that story)  
AT: GROSS  
AC: awwwwwww <3  
AT: ELSEwHERE wITH THAT SHIT. mY COURT IS CLEAN  
AA: (you just want what we have)  
AC: says you with the ?iles everywhere  
AC: ¿ont you and mortia ever clean u? after you jam  
AT: We have SO mUCH LOVE. you could not coMprehend  
AT: We do not alloW Mortia to reMove or restructure Our piles  
AA: (i tried)  
AT: the king's things are arranged as We Wish them to be . . . . . !!!!!  
AC: i know you ¿i¿  
AA: (one day ill put you out of the hive by your horns until i have the place spotless)  
AC: ill hel?  
AA: (thank you)  
AT: croWns go here. legendary toMes go there. Weapons and artifacts of dooM go over there. fanMail will go over there When it starts coMing in  
AA: (all you get is death threats)  
AT: death threats We keep in the fridge  
AC: why the fri¿ge  
AA: (i think theyd make good offerings)  
AT: We devour the haters >:}  
AC: burn them on your altar mortia !!  
AA: (i can offer up the souls of everyone who sends them to the moons :) )  
AT: but then What Will i put in My fridge  
AT: ???? riddle Us THAT  
AC: ……  
AC: foo¿  
AT: food is applied directly to Our Mouth iMMediately upon acquisition  
AT: no need for storage  
AA: (what if you want more in the middle of the day)  
AC: right i forgot youre a highbloo¿ an¿ youve never gone a ¿ay without someone at your beck an¿ call rea¿y to bring you food at a moments notice  
AA: (no one brings me food)  
AC: sorry some of us have to actually ?lan ahea¿ an¿ make things last for a wi?e  
AC: thats bc you ¿ont want to ¿eal with other trolls mortia  
AT: wE HAVE FORFEITED THE mAJORITY OF GOVERNmENT ISSUED HUNGER SOLUTIONS RECENTLY!!!!! but neW feeding habits are iMpossible to develop  
AA: (yeah i guess whats the point of having someone else do things you can do for yourself)  
AA: (it doesnt seem much better to me)  
AT: anyWays!! planning ahead is the purpose for Which We decided to enlist YOU tychis!!!!  
AA: (no one else would join)  
AT: IRRELEVANT  
AC: im honore¿  
AA: (im just here for moral support)  
AC: and thank the stars for that  
AT: yes thank you 3:}  
AA: (youre welcome)  
AA: (i worry)  
AA: (youre gonna get mixed up with the wrong highbloods someday)  
AC: i ¿ont know which of us youre talking to  
AA: (both)  
AC: thats fair enough  
AA: (losing all my quadrants in one go doesnt sound too fun)  
AT: tychis Might have soMe shit to REPORT on the Matter of highblood entangleMents but as for Myself  
AC: thats not relevant ashoka  
AT: they have yet to interfere with Me or My aiMs YES IT IS  
AA: (what)  
AC: no its not  
AC: its nothing mortia  
AC: ashoka it ¿oesnt matter it was a fling its over !!!!!!  
AT: IS IT??  
AC: yes !!!!!!  
AA: (you run too much with highbloods youre gonna get culled)  
AT: oh thank Me lol. Our revolution is that Much bit safer  
AT: HE SPEAKS TRUTHS AS TRUE AS mY OwN  
AC: im not culle¿ yet am i ??  
AA: (theyll ill have to go on a big messy revenge spree)  
AC: its not like it was that ba¿ all i ¿i¿ was blackflirt a little  
AA: (it only takes once tychis)  
AT: OH THAT'S HOw YOU'D DEFINE IT?  
AT: We have fascinatingly diaMetric ideas of flirting  
AA: (moons do i even want to know)  
AA: (actually why dont i know)  
AT: tychis believes they are too sMart to get culled. unlike Me Who is Well aWare that i aM duMb enough to get culled and charges bravely onWards regardless  
AC: you were aslee? the whole time  
AA: (its not bravery its stupidity)  
AT: YOU NAP TOO LONG mORTIA  
AA: (look i need my hibernation)  
AT: We Miss you 3:{ and We can only presuMe that's froM Whence tychis' aquatic trysts spring  
AC: ASHOKA !!!!!  
AA: (i was meant to be a slitherbeast afterall)  
AA: (oh god they were violet)  
AT: wAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA  
AC: ………well  
AT: if only . . . . .  
AC: um  
AC: listen he was being a ¿!CK  
AC: AN¿ HE STARTE¿ !T  
AT: We adMit to still harboring EmOTIONS of sorts on the Matter Which May cloud our judgeMent so if We say anything unbecoMing of an Emperor We are hereby exonerated of guilt because of these extenuating circuMstances  
AC: an¿ i kicke¿ his ass an¿ thats what counts  
AA: (im keeping you on a leash from now on)  
AA: (when i nap you nap)  
AC: nooooooooooooo  
AA: (thats so dangerous you could have died :( )  
AC: also shut u? _ash_ oka  
AT: you kicked his ass and then you Moseyed onWards to his hoMe Where you proceeded to unearth the precise definition of "expanding and contracting bladder based aquatic vascular system"  
AC: not relevant  
AT: We knoW this because We traveled heroically to the site of the conflict and found it ABANDONED  
AT: RELEVANT  
AC: if i thought he was really gonna cull me i woul¿nt have gone  
AC: he was flirting !!!!!  
AA: ) could have DIED (  
AT: mORTIA THINKS IT RELEVANT  
AA: (you know what its okay)  
AA: (its over)  
AT: wAIT wHAT  
AC: thank u  
AC: i love you <3  
AT: wHAT THE HELL  
AA: (but be careful)  
AA: (seriously)  
AC: i will be  
AC: he wasnt my ty?e anyways  
AA: (i dont have the energy to be mad)  
AA: (i love you too<3)  
AC: ill stick to cerulean an¿ below if i nee¿ some ?itch in my life  
AT: OKAY YOU HAVE TO SIGN A CONTRACT  
AA: (maybe even closer to your blood color)  
AC: but there are so many ceruleans who are ASSHOLES  
AT: We're not fucking around Our lieutenant is a NON EXPENDABLE coMModity  
AA: (maybe teal)  
AA: (so are every caste)  
AT: We Will designate cerulean as upper liMit in the contract  
AA: (anyone can be an asshole)  
AC: this is true  
AA: (im praying for a yellow next time)  
AC: ?sionics coul¿ a¿¿ an interesting s?ark to things  
AC: ………get it  
AT: CONTRACT BREAKAGE wILL RESULT IN ImPERIAL PUNISHmENT INCLUDING BUT NOT LImITED TO:  
\- PUTTING A LEASH ON YOU  
\- PUTTING YOU IN A ROOm FULL OF REALLY CLEVER PUZZLES THAT YOU wOULD RATHER SPEND wEEKS SOLVING THAN DOING STUPID DEADLY THINGS SO THAT YOUR ILLICIT RELATIONSHIP wITHERS FROM NEGLECT  
AT: YES THAT wAS GOOD  
AC: also im not signing anything  
AT: wHY  
AA: (yes i get it deliteful pun babe)  
AC: C:S  
AT: Wait Was that a pun too Mortia  
AA: (whos to say)  
AT: hMM . . . . . We approve  
AA: (thank you your highness)  
AT: mX. LUCAST DO YOU AGREE TO ENGAGE IN NO FURTHER KISmESSITUDINAL TRYSTS wITH mEmBERS OF CASTES HIGHER THAN mY OwN  
AC: fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiine  
AA: (if you hateflirt w anyone that has so much if a HINT of purple/pink hue)  
AC: i wont i ?romise  
AC: youre the only ?ur?le for me  
AT: verbal confirMation Will be counted as signage. contract binding. glad We got that sorted out :}  
AA: (thank you that puts my mind at ease a bit)  
AA: :)  
AT: hey by the Way out of no consuMing desire to do anything With the inforMation Merely soMe good old highblooded curiosity What Was the guy's name again  
AC: youre a terrible liar ashoka  
AA: (yes what)  
AC: so are you mortia  
AT: Who is ashoka  
AA: (i havent lied about anything)  
AA: (also im great at it)  
AT: ((mORTIA PLEASE EmPLOY YOUR SKILLS FOR MY PURPOSES AND ACQUIRE THE NAmE OF THE BASTARD SWAmP mONSTER. wE DID IN FACT SAY PLEASE))  
AC: listen i ¿i¿nt get kille¿ because im goo¿ at flirting an¿ also goo¿ at other stuff if you know what i mean  
AT: STOP STOP STOP STOP NO  
AC: he will show no hesitation in killing you two  
AA: (they can still see what you type)  
AT: wE KNOw WHAT YOU mEAN HOLY SHIT  
AC: anyway the ?oint is im not telling you for the same reason you ma¿e me agree to your contract  
AA: (look if you were just hate flirting and he didnt hurt you otherwise then i have no reason to go after him)  
AA: (im just curious)  
AT: wE wON'T CONFRONT HIM!!!!! JUST GOING TO EmPLOY OUR REVOLUTION'S mANY EYES AND EARS TO KEEP wATCH ON HIm . . . . .  
AA: (i see plenty of sea dwellers out by my hive)  
AC: both of you ?romise  
AT: I SEE PLENTY OF SEADwELLERS THROwING THINGS AT mY HOUSE  
AA: (ashoka no we wont)  
AA: (theres no one to watch him)  
AT: LIKE PEOPLE  
AT: IT'S ALRIGHT THAT THEY THROw PEOPLE AT OUR HOUSE BECAUSE IT mEANS wE HAVE LOTS OF BLOOD ON OUR OUTSIDE wALLS AND IT LOOKS QUITE INTImIDATING. ALSO YES THERE IS ME  
AA: (i dont want to get mixed up with any blood caste higher than me unless necessary)  
AA: (i keep mine clean thank you very much)  
AC: your hive is rly ?retty  
AA: :)  
AT: Why thank you 3:}  
AC: not you  
AA: :)  
AT: 3:{  
AA: >:)  
AT: *3:}  
AT: We are fine  
AA: (if youd ever let me clean)  
AT: AS wE SAID THE LAYOUT OF OUR COURT IS CAREFULLY CRAFTED  
AA: (crafted into a mess)  
AC: carefully crafte¿ to look like shit  
AC: great min¿s think alike  
AA: (im tired of coming over and eating off piles of gold on the ground)  
AT: god i Wish i didn't love both of you so i could substantially threaten you With absurd lengths of punishMent in the distant future  
AT: wE PROVIDE GOLD PLATES  
AC: but you ¿oooooooooooooooooooooooooo love us  
AT: YOU DON'T LIKE TO EAT THE FOOD wE HAVE ANYwAY  
AT: BICH!!!!!!  
AT: wE HUmBLY RESCIND OUR PREVIOUS INSULT YOU ARE NOT A BITCH.  
AA: (bc you never keep anything in the fridge and so theres nothing decent to prepare)  
AT: YOU ARE HANDSOmE AND KIND AND AS TYCHIS DID HAmmER HOmE I LOVE YOU. FUCK YOU JUST EAT THE HATE mAIL LIKE mE  
AC: ashoka you rly cant win arguments against us its not ?ossible for you  
AA: (no paper makes me constipated)  
AC: also ?a?er ¿oesnt taste goo¿  
AC: i shoul¿ know ive trie¿  
AA: (i think it taste okay)  
AC: ¿e?en¿s on the ty?e of ?a?er i guess  
AT: IN THE NAmE OF OUR COURT AND ITS ImPERIAL PROCEEDINGS wE wOULD LIKE TO HUmBLY AND GRACIOUSLY ASSERT THAT wE KNOw YOU ARE BUT wHAT ARE wE  
AA: (youre a dumb bitch and id love to take care of you if youd let me)  
AC: awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww  
AT: HHHHHHHmmmmmmmNNNNNGGHHGHHHH.  
AA: (useless)  
AC: anyway his name is gaiuss  
AT: YES FINALLY  
AA: (cool name sounds like shit)  
AC: i trust you not to ¿o anything ashoka  
AC: im genuinely trusting you here  
AA: (i wont let him)  
AC: <3  
AA: <3  
AA: (for his safety too haha)  
AT: wAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. YOU HAVE NO IDEA wHAT YOU'VE wROUGHT!! YOU SEE, OUR PLANS FOR THIS COVETED INFORMATION CONTAINED FAR mORE LAYERS THAN EVEN YOU wITH ALL YOUR wILLS COULD EVER HAVE FORESEEN. wAIT mERELY A mOmENT AND YOU SHALL SEE THE FRUITS OF OUR DARK LABOURS  
AC: oh stars hes making a meme  
AA: (you literally cant keep a secret from me)  
AA: (a meme i can handle)  
AC: ?ffffffft  
AT: BEAR wITNESS!!!!!!!  
AT: <https://tinyurl.com/wAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA>  
AC: ?FFFFFFFFFT   
AA: (this is great thank you)  
AC: absolutely to? notch content  
AT: YOU ARE wELCOME.  
AT: OUR PLEASURE  
AA: (come let me hug you)  
AT: wE wILL ALLOw IT. PLEASE RESEND THE DRECTIONS TO YOUR HIVE wE LOST THEM  
AA: (do you not remember youve been here so many times)  
AT: wE ARE mILDLY HIGH FROM DENTAL wORK  
AC: you can SEE H!S H!VE FROM YOUR H!VE !!!!! its the one u? on the cliff !!!!!!!!!!  
AT: wHOA. SHIT  
AT: DUDE YOU'RE RIGHT  
AT: I wENT CHECKED  
AT: FUCK YEAH OKAY YEAH!!!!  
AA: (will you remember next time)  
AC: no he wont  
AT: YES wE wILL  
AA: (you said that last time but okay)  
AT: wE DO NOT RECALL SAYING THAT wHICH RENDERS IT NULL AND VOID LEGALLY  
AC: thats not how any of that works at all  
AA: (you also dont recall where mt hive is even though you come here literally all the time  
AA: (tychis always remembers and they live a lot farther away)  
AC: c:S  
AT: "ALL THE TImE" ACCORDING TO OUR CLOCK, wHOSE HAND HAS LOYALLY ELECTED NOT TO mOVE UNTIL wE DECREE IT BY GOING IN THERE AND CRANKING IT wITH OUR HANDS (THUS ESSENTIALLY ALLOwING US TO "STOP TImE"), wE HAVE NOT VISITED TOU IN SwEEPS  
AC: remin¿ me why i joine¿ this revolution again  
AT: ACTUALLY wAIT THAT mIGHT NOT EVEN mAKE SENSE wITHIN ITSELF  
AA: (thats not how time works)  
AT: BECAUSE I'm COOL!!!!!!!!!  
AA: (thats how clocks work)  
AT: SAmE DEAL  
AA: (no its not time exists outside of clocks)  
AT: TImE EXISTS EXCLUSIVELY IN THE CAPACITY wE DICTATE AS EmPEROR  
AA: (im not up for having this fight)  
AA: (i need a nap)  
AT: wE wIN AS ALwAYS!!!!  
AT: NO SHIT NO  
AT: wE ARE COmING OVER CURRENTLY  
AC: nooooooooooo  
AC: can i come too  
AT: wE HEREBY DECREE THAT YES  
AA: (youre welcome anytime babe)  
AC: c:S  
AA: (you can take selfies with my unconscious form)  
AT: mORTIA DO YOU HAVE SNACKS  
AT: wE HAVEN'T EATEN IN A GRIP ACTUALLY  
AA: (when do i ever keep snack)  
AT: RIGHT. OKAY  
AC: ill bring snacks you ho?eless ¿ork  
AT: 3:} OUR CAUSE IS SAVED  
AA: (thank you)  
AC: of course <3  


AA closed memo.


End file.
